Snippets

juleena was standing in her backyard, watching her mother smoke a cigarette. it was cold and grey outside, late autumn. her mother was sitting on the back concrete steps, quiet. she looked hard, steely despite her soft hair and feminine affect, and she had something on her mind. she was staring resignedly into space. juleena didn't  know if her mother knew she was there, it was hard to tell. but she was there, just standing, watching. she was waiting for something to happen, she didn't know what, but she could feel that there was a reason that both she and her mother were outside together. she knew she was about to hear something, or see something. her mother was stressed. that was not unusual. there had been more arguments between her mother and dad lately. the house had been colder and more distant, full of more tension and unspoken resentment. dinner had started consisting more and more of spaghetti with red sauce. quick, easy, thoughtless dinners. dinners that said, "look, i did my job. you're fed." dinners that said, "your dad's not coming home until later." that was okay with juleena, she liked spaghetti.
all of a sudden her mother spoke, "don't be surprised if your father leaves me, juleena." she didn't say anything else, didn't offer any kind of explanation. she just finished her cigarette and went into the house. juleena felt a soft shock. she knew that things were bad again, but to hear an acknowledgment  of what would ordinarily not be talked about, was shocking in itself. it wasn't really what her mother had said, but the fact that she had said it at all.

~~~

she knew she was ugly. she had bad skin, the wrong clothes. she was missing teeth. her hair was a mess. the kids at school looked at her with disgust. but she was smart and observant. maybe not as smart as her friend Janie, but smarter than most of the kids she knew. her grades were decent. they could be better, but Juleena didn't really care. she was lazy with her homework, and forgetful. too dreamy. caught up in her own fantasy world where she was the best. the most beautiful, the most bitchy. all the boys loved her and thought she was sexy, she had big boobs, and no worries. she was a badass. but not really. in reality a confused, neglected, questioning, shy, sometimes angry girl, who tried to duck reality by delving into the fantasy land of tv, pre-teen magazines, and the make believe games her equally confused and questioning friends played. they all had issues of their own. they all had families who gave them their own sets of emotional baggage. Janie was the ringleader, and mean.